We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
