omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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