Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
