just tell him i said nine months
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are a booty call, not a friend.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
