Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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