I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
