we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
