I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
