I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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