omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
