I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
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FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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