my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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