spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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