i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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