$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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