the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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