Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
