Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
