so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
