If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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