So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Randomize
