***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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