This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
