I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
