i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
