it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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