I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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