so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
