So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
