I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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