I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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