seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
