Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
