Just fell off a train. Bad.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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