Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
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I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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