So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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