I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
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Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
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I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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