Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
