Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
