i don't like sucking hair
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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