haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
