My friends, they love my intelligence
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
