Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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