I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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