I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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