I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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