you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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