Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
