life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
