i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
