My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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