her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
