After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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