god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
