Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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