Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
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I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
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nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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