Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
