we have officially lost it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
