So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
