I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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